Dear Diary – 1/10/93,
Well, I survived the surgery last week! But, I’ve got to tell you – it was a nightmare! First the doctors said it would only be a 15 min. operation – it was an hour-and a half (at least that’s what my mom told me). Next, the anesthetic they gave me (which wasn’t so bad this time) through the hand leaked into my tissues and caused my hand to swell up like a balloon! I couldn’t even see my knuckles! Next, the incision in my neck was bleeding, and dripped up onto my neck and head, so when I woke up I had dry blood all over me that needed to be scraped off! Next, I started throwing up from the anesthetic, and the incredible pain in my neck and right-side-of my chest hurt so bad, it was hard to sit up and do so, so I’d end up throwing up all over myself. As if things weren’t bad enough! Well, I’m better now, the pain is all gone. And you know what? I don’t feel all that different now that I have the port-o-cath inside me. I thought I’d feel all different, but I’m still the same old Sarah!
Oh, by the way I got my wig. I hate it. I hate the sight of it. Because all it makes me think of is being bald and ugly. Even though I know I’m not ugly, I feel ugly sometimes. Like, when I look down at my feet, or when I look at my bare chest in the mirror and see the outline of the line of tube that connects my port-o-cath. Or, when I pull out some hair that is hanging lifelessly from my head. And, it makes me feel even worse when I think about boys. Let’s face it. About every girl my age thinks about boys. And I know there’s no cute boy in school that would like a girl with cancer and a wig on her head. I mean, they could like me as a friend, but they wouldn’t like-like me. Know what I mean? My hair has been coming out more in the last few days and it just makes me more and more scared of that fateful day when I find a bald spot, or my hair is gone completely. I’ve always thought I’ve looked like Julia Roberts or the girl on “Northern Exposure.” When I’m bald the only person I’ll look like is Sinead O’Conner (who’s bald). Oh, by the way, tomorrow I have an appointment for chemotherapy. I’m just praying that I’ll be able to keep my hair. I have a strange feeling that this treatment will be the one I lose it. Oh, I hope it’s not. But, then again, I hope I won’t lose any more hair than I already have on any more treatments – and I have 9 more! I hope Heavenly Father heard that. I know it’s a long shot but if there were just some way – oh, I’m being stupid. The most important thing is that I get better!!!!
And by the way, this could be the last time I ever write in you with hair on my head – so cherish the moment! Bye – for now.
Love, Sarah
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Seeing the end from the beginning...
"Well, wish me luck! I’m not quite through with this yet! I still have to pull a bit more strength out of me to help me deal with this stuff!"
The purpose of this site is to inspire hope and offer courage through the sharing of a unique perspective captured in Sarah's journal entries during one of the greatest challenges of her life. I share these details with her permission.
Sarah was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the Fall of 1992, in 8th grade at the age of 13. Over approximately 9 months she received multiple surgeries and treatments, including chemotherapy and radiation to treat tumors and cancerous cells in her neck, chest and abdomen. She agonized over the loss of her hair and feared the implications of her disease.
Currently, as a wonderful mother of 3, she proudly carries the lessons learned from that ordeal and is a stronger friend and mother because of it. I marvel at what she endured at such a challenging age. I am eager to share her perspective of how she pushed through this ordeal for others to know who she is and what she overcame. I can attest that because of this trial she has a love for many overlooked things in life, a sincere appreciation of good health and as she stated as a 13 year old, she is actually grateful for the experience.
-Spencer
The purpose of this site is to inspire hope and offer courage through the sharing of a unique perspective captured in Sarah's journal entries during one of the greatest challenges of her life. I share these details with her permission.
Sarah was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the Fall of 1992, in 8th grade at the age of 13. Over approximately 9 months she received multiple surgeries and treatments, including chemotherapy and radiation to treat tumors and cancerous cells in her neck, chest and abdomen. She agonized over the loss of her hair and feared the implications of her disease.
Currently, as a wonderful mother of 3, she proudly carries the lessons learned from that ordeal and is a stronger friend and mother because of it. I marvel at what she endured at such a challenging age. I am eager to share her perspective of how she pushed through this ordeal for others to know who she is and what she overcame. I can attest that because of this trial she has a love for many overlooked things in life, a sincere appreciation of good health and as she stated as a 13 year old, she is actually grateful for the experience.
-Spencer